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MUMBAI: Dawood Ibrahim, aka Dawood Bhai or ’D’, sat on the edge of his grand diwan looking ponderously at his right-hand man, Chhota Shakeel, in his plush mansion at a secret location in Karachi. A TV news bulletin was repeating the latest statement of a national Indian leader regarding the IQ levels of Swami Vivekanand and Dawood.

"Yeh IQ, EQ bole toh kya hota hai re? (what does this IQ, EQ really mean?)" Dawood asked Chhota Shakeel, who looked equally perplexed by these abbreviations, as he sat casually on the soft Persian carpet next to Dawood.

"Bhai I really don’t know these new terms. I was told by our educated Mumbai contact, Salim Lagada LLB, that it means ’Intelligence Quotient’... I think it has something to do with India’s Intelligence Bureau (IB), or Pakistan’s ISI," said Shakeel, sounding a bit lost.

"No no, Shakeel! I think IQ has something to do with ’dimaag ki taqat’ (mental power). The Indian politicians are comparing my ’bheja’ (brain) to that of a great spiritual leader. Now I have started getting some cool new ideas to expand our businesses further in the Gulf, Far East and also possibly Russia," gloated Dawood.

He picked up his gold plated iPhone and called up a top ISI pointman who was holed up in the chilly tribal area of North Waziristan on a secret mission.

"Salaam walekum, boss! So finally Indians are acknowledging how smart I really am. Need your help and permission to make a new passport ID for me as Swami Dada ... you see, I am planning to hold several international spiritual meets in my new disguise. I have the necessary IQ to execute this well. Who knows how much we can gain through this new venture?" Dawood told the ISI man.

This latest ’D proposal’ was quickly approved and cleared by the ISI. After all, going by his track record, D had rarely let them down.

Just then Shakeel’s phone trilled. It was his Nagpada ’khabri’ (informer) Hilal Halkat who had a message from a top Bollywood director who specialized in making period gangster films.

Dawood’s cherubic face broke into a wicked wry smile, as he instructed Shakeel: "Jaa, uss director ko bol ki agali picture mein no bhaigiri, no bullets ... only spiritual talk and marg darshan due to my newly discovered IQ! (Go tell that director that in his next film there will be no dons or violence ... just spiritual jazz for the path seekers, thanks to my newly discovered IQ level!)."